


Love just isn't enough

by Of_Heaven_And_Hell



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: M/M, Minor Violence, Swearing, Wow this got sad, i still can't tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-22
Updated: 2015-12-22
Packaged: 2018-05-08 04:55:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5484188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Of_Heaven_And_Hell/pseuds/Of_Heaven_And_Hell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Murphy tries his hardest to love Bellamy after everything they've done to each other</p><p>Or</p><p>In which love just isn't enough</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love just isn't enough

**Author's Note:**

> This didn't turn out as the love story I thought it would, but I kinda like it better this way. I think it's a more realistic version of murphamy that we don't see often. As always, leaving kudos and commenting is appreciated!

Murphy didn't put effort into anything very often. Life had taught him that most often it didnt matter if you tried or not, youd get fucked over anyway. But he had tried, really fucking hard, to love Bellamy Blake again.

Almost as soon as they'd stepped off the drop ship, Murphy and Bellamy had found each other. Their personalities had clashed almost as much as their teeth did and Bellamy never comforted him like Murphy wished he would. But then again Murphy never told Bellamy he loved him like the older boy wished he would either. It wasn't perfect, not even by Murphy's low ass standards, but it was enough, love was enough.

Then the delinquents demanded Murphy's death and love couldn't break through the haze of confusion and fear and "oh god how could he?" that clouded Bellamy's mind.

Then Bellamy kicked the crate out from under him, knocking the wind out of him. It might've been the asphyxiation but Murphy swore he felt Bellamy's hands replace the rope on his throat.

He didn't think it could've been the asphyxiation, though, because Murphy still felt them after he was released, after he was banished, after he was captured by the grounders. Each twist of their knives tightened the hands until the searing pain wasn't the only thing bringing tears to his eyes and his death wasn't the only one he wished for.

Murphy doesn't remember how he got back to camp. His next memory is of being examined by Clarke, with Bellamy behind her. It took him a while to realize that he wasn't imagining Bellamy, as he had done so many times before. But this Bellamy looked remorseful in a way Murphy had never imagined him to be. This Bellamy felt shame for what he'd done. He wanted to fix Murphy, and this Murphy really wanted to be fixed. But Murphy knew firsthand from his mother how it feels to love someone who doesn't love you back. It causes resentment and pain and all the things Murphy tried to not want Bellamy to go through. He wasn't sure how he could handle having Bellamy thinking about him the way his thinks about his mother. 

So, despite everything they had done to each other, Murphy tried to forgive Bellamy and love him again. He shared a tent with him, he held his hand and he even went to those boring ass leadership meetings with him. And that was how he'd ended up here, outside of camp at night where he could potentially be caught by grounders again. That thought itself wrenched another sob from his throat, the kind that hurt the whole way up. He wanted to love bellamy so much, he wanted things to go back to the way they had been so bad but they couldn't, he couldn't. At night when he woke from nightmares he also woke to Bellamy holding him and crying with him. But it didn't matter. When Bellamy's arms reached out to comfort him, he could feel them wrap around his throat again. He'd shake and scream and cry and ,God, Bellamy didn't know how much Murphy hated him. Murphy didn't even want himself to know how much he hated Bellamy.

Sometimes when he saw one of the deliquents look at Bellamy as if he hung the moon, he'd have an unrelenting urge to slit Bellamy's throat (he found it in himself to forgive Charlotte in those moments). Bellamy Blake didn't deserve to touch the moon, not when he'd knocked the earth out from under Murphy. It didn't matter that he'd tried to make up for it, had given Murphy countless stars, had made the little dipper, and then the big dipper, himself to catch Murphy's tears. He hadn't realized that to see stars you had to be in the dark and Murphy really didn't want to be in the dark anymore.

One night, after another nightmare, Bellamy told him that when he was younger his favorite time of the day in school was Craft Hour. Most of the other kids, Murphy included, would use the time to talk to their friends but Bellamy would work diligently making countless hearts and stars on bright construction paper. He'd stash string and tape in his pockets, then when he got home Bellamy would hang them up under the floor, in Octavia's hiding place. Murphy pretends he's asleep after the end of the story and thinks, bitterly, that of course his father got floated for stealing life saving medicine while Bellamy was getting away with taking stationery items.

Murphy wanted to be like O. He wanted to be whole and happy again despite everything he'd gone through. And he wanted to love Bellamy like she did too, well not exactly like she did, but close enough. But he knew that she was only happy once she escaped her star filled hole.

Sometimes love isn't enough. It can't always break through fear or make you forget what happens when it fails to do so. It can't withstand torture or distance. And Murphy realized, sliding down the tree he had been clutching for an hour, that while he wanted to love Bellamy, he needed to be whole again. He couldn't do both and he wouldn't even try to anymore. He'd go into camp and grab his stuff from Bellamy's tent and leave with Jaha to the city of light, grounders be damned. Maybe he'd even stop by Lincoln and Octavia's cave to ask her if the feeling of happiness was enough to make her forget about her stars.

He already knew what her answer would be.

**Author's Note:**

> Come and say hi, or leave prompts, on my tumblr: devotedlydecaffeinatedtyrant


End file.
